you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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