Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize