I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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