Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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