I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
