The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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