it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
