at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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