I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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