i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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