I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
