Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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