I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
