you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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