I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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