we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
