I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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