im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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