yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize