We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
