Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
