Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The adults are the big ones right?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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