Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize