She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
