I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize