Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
