Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
