3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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