Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
