The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
