he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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