the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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