i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
