How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
