Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
