guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize