i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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