remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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