I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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