I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am mentally ready for anal.
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