Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
