So drunk its hurt
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
