Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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