It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
