You smell like stripper and shame
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
