I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize