I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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