last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
