Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
