don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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