did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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