My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
