Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
