god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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