i think i have two assholes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you had me at cake vodka
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize