I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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