new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
