I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
