I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
