I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
