I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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