there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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