yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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