Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
