remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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