I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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