the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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