If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Your dad touched me again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
