We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
