I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize