Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize