I could make wine with my vomit
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize