I heard we made out
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
