You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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